your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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