yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
