Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
