Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You left your phone here
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