my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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