So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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