it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
