I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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