I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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