I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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