so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think my moral compass just broke
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