Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
