my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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