he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
