Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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