tell your sister to shave her snatch
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
