Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
