No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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