I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
