Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
