I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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