She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
