I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
