and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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