Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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