she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
