Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
