I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
