I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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