matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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