if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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