so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
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My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
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He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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