Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
