I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
