I accidentally had phone sex last night
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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