Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
