Your face is a jimmy john
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
