If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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