Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Hippo gnu deer
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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