We named our party play list daddy issues
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The power of my boobs compel you
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
