my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
