sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just puked most of my soul out..
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
