So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
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you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
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