I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
