$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
