Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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