My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
