Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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