I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
