Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
