Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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