dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
