Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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