so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
