We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
