there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
