She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
